Selling out or giving in?

I have been a good girl lately, doing an astonishing amount of work without giving up, supported unremittingly in this process by Bear who has prepared meals, washed dishes, carried heavy books, punched holes and filed papers in alphabetical order, saving me from the ever-expanding Pile of Stuff on the floor around my desk (a.k.a. the big shelf) that regularly threatens to implode in a great black hole of academic endeavour.

Which is why I haven't updated this thing recently. Not for want of things to say, but cannot justify spending the time on it lah.

Therefore, it's just as well I'm ill-disciplined, because I felt very moved, and incited to express an opinion, by Minzhi's description of the "perfect Singaporean family" and the attendant notions of selling out, involving, as she describes here, and here, these characteristics:

...government scholar at an ivy college, marry at 25, first kids at 29, hdb flat in a newer estate like sengkang, primary one registration, local elections, visiting your parents on weekends, drive your children to their violin or swimming or xin suan lesson, later your son back to his army camp to book in, see them get psc scholarships and become morally upright civil servants.

Is that truly selling out? It sounds so much like "settling" to me. The exchange of individual passions and meaning in life for what ultimately adds up to no more than symbolic gestures and unthinking service to the expectations of conventional society.

This assessment may be too harsh, however, especially after reading this extraordinary advice column in Salon, which makes the point that sometimes gestures and symbols are held onto not only by the conventional and "adult", with wealth and equity and marriage and children and the right kind of car representing respectability and some kind of ideal, but also by the young and rebellious and consciously "individual", with their alternative music and fashion, but in the service of different priorities. The other point, of course, is that sometimes things are just what they are, and not always gestures or symbolic. Some people just happen to like camrys. *shrug*

Maybe the thing to do after all is not worry so much about what trappings one may or may not be identifying with or losing out on, but to figure out exactly what you want and why. The freedom with being able to choose one path or another inevitably carries with it the question of the paths not chosen, and the task of making the "right" decision.

What if i'd stayed in Singapore for my tertiary education, saved my parents' money, started a professional career early and became financially stable and able to support my brother and parents? And what if I had not engaged myself in the field of research, and instead of following my interests, was practical and actually completed a vocational qualification?

There's no use regretting. But i could ask myself if a "real" job is what I really want, or is it the salary... or do I want a particularly large and shiny salary, because I am not completely unemployable, just not very profitable. Is that it? Financial stability? Ability to give people money and buy nice stuff? Hell yeah! But I'll just have to find it my own way. We don't all have to be bankers to be well paid. right? Right?

It may be comfortable and easier to adopt the well-worn path, but then I believe there is so much more to be said for being comfortable in one's own mind instead, even if it means occasional discomfort, the hard work of developing self-awareness, and all those awkward questions from relatives. Hah!

It helps immeasurably of course, that I live in another country and can, to some extent, construct my own reality, isolated and unchecked in my own imaginings. I don't even know what xin suan lessons are! Also, we recently moved all our grown up furniture from the living room to the spare room, and the remaining coffee table, mantelpiece and tv set are covered with Lego models and stuffed representations of rodents. Does that reflect some sort of childish rebellion, a kind of anti-growing up gesture?

Well no, of course. I disliked our sofa set and prefer sitting on the floor. Also, we have a Lot of Lego and stuffed rodents and must put them somewhere. I won't be disingenuous however, and suggest that I could do this as easily if our house was constantly under the gaze of family or less understanding friends.

People who want to be different need support in their choices as much as people who choose more acceptable paths. Let this be a gesture of support then, to those who make it difficult on themselves by being different, but in doing so, smooth out the paths of more resistance for the rest of us.